We are finally witnessing the field of Democratic candidates starting to shake out nicely. As a Democrat myself, I am happy to see Sen. John Kerry moving to the front of the pack, mainly because he is the most electable of the bunch.
Electability is key because W and his boys have staged a pretty impressive marketing campaign over the past three years (and amassed an overflowing war chest to match). Some might call it a presidency, but it’s really just been a marketing campaign to get him re-elected. I mean, c’mon. Strapping on a flight suit and declaring “mission accomplished” in a nationally televised speech on a goddam aircraft carrier at sea? You don’t think we’ll see that in a “Re-Elect Bush” campaign commercial later this year, do ya? Naaah. I’m pretty sure he could’ve made that exaggerated declaration from the Oval Office just as well. But that’s not the photo op the White House wanted, so the taxpayers get to foot the bill of flying his country ass out to the middle of the ocean so he and the Presidential Package can preen for the cameras, thanks to an over-tightened flight harness. Continually pissing all over what was a balanced federal budget with brilliant moves like cutting taxes are clearly motivated by the re-election effort as well. And let’s not forget the proposed moon shots that sound like they were conceived by the writers of the old “Star Trek” series after a grueling weekend of sucking the life out of a circa-1968 water pipe.
But I digress. Because of the stiff competition ahead, John Kerry is the Democrats’ best bet to return to the White House. I felt that way even before Kerry became the so-called “front runner.” Kerry has enough of a centrist agenda to reel in a good chunk of the undecided vote (essentially consisting of people that can’t afford cable TV, I guess) and to count on virtually every registered Democrat voting along party lines. If there is any silly “Democrats for Bush” organization popping up, it will be far less than a blip on the political radar and formed primarily for the purpose of getting on TV.
Howard Dean, as impressive of a campaign as he has put together, is not the guy to convince the fence-straddlers to vote Democrat. The only person to his left is Michael Moore, and that’s only after he's been bound and gagged and forced to watch an entire evening of the Fox News Channel. And that post-mortem rant/speech Dean gave in Iowa is a good example of why his appeal is relatively narrow. Even Democrats were thinking, “What the fuck, dude?” Howie, it is extremely poor judgment to go on a Red Bull bender before picking up a microphone and addressing your throng in front of the national media. And, though I haven’t actually checked, I’m pretty sure if you translated “Dean” into Greek, it turns out to be “Dukakis.” The man, a decent president he could turn out to be, does not have nearly the electability that Kerry has.
Perfect Roommate Jason likes John Edwards. It probably tickles Edwards’ staff to no ends that he is likeable. That would seem to be the primary objective of the Edwards effort: being likeable. He comes across (to me, anyway) as someone who spends just as much time practicing his smile in the mirror as he does educating himself on the issues. I know that is a belittling statement and likely untrue, but that’s the way he comes off to me. That classic, frequently flashed grin seems less than spontaneous and little more than well-timed. His rope-line interaction with the voters often seems calculated. I saw him listening to a lady in what was supposed to be a casual off-the-cuff conversation with a furrowed brow and a look on his face that feigned concern like I’ve never seen it. Kinda like that look your doctor gives you when you’re describing a minor pain in your stomach and, even though the doc appears to be listening, you know he’s really wondering if the yacht he’s gonna buy with your money will have a wet bar or not.
I also haven’t heard much more than basic campaign rhetoric from Edwards. “…And we’re gonna win and march to Washington and take back the White House and this country, too!” Sorry, Johnny E, but there is nothing special about the words coming out of your mouth. What is he saying, really? Senator Edwards, your time has not yet come. You ain’t the guy. Maybe in ’08 if Bush gets re-elected this year. I will admit, however, in today’s media-driven presidential campaigns, that he second only to Kerry in electability. And IF Edwards pulls off the upset and gets the nomination, we could do far, far worse and I will support him.
And now to the also-rans. For the love of all things holy, Joe Lieberman, take what dignity you have remaining and exit stage left pronto. We know you wanna be president really, really bad, but you got whooped in your own backyard when you finished fifth in New Hampshire. Yes, fifth, dammit. Give up trying to spin your way into a third-place tie. No one’s buying it. You have a good heart and you’re certainly qualified to be president, but you have the charisma of a 15-year-old Bassett hound. (That’s 125 in politician years.) Man, that is a deadly character trait for the majority of this country that depends on sound bites and comedy talk show monologues to decide who they are voting for. Bow out gracefully now.
Wesley Clark, I’ll give you another week before the legitimacy of your campaign evaporates like an August mud puddle in Yuma. A groundswell of support alone isn’t really much of a reason to run for president. A military-only background doesn’t help, either. Why do you think Colin Powell is riding it out with W despite the obvious philosophical gaps between them? So he can add actual political experience to his resume and run in ’08, that’s why. How does “Secretary Clark” sound to you?
Dennis Kucinich, one of the original Lollipop Kids. Unfortunately, the general public takes him about that seriously. He has basically hitched his wagon to Demo Tour ’04 to enjoy a bit of the limelight. No one knows what he stands for or why he is running, nor would anyone be listening if he attempted to explain. Bye, bye, Kootchie. Your 15 Minutes expired long ago.
Al Sharpton, the self-proclaimed Reverend. I give him credit for raising enough money to be able to stand on stage and answer debate moderators’ questions in a regular turn with the Big Boys. You are getting your message out there (we know, you’re pissed) and that’s what counts in your case. Good move losing the tracksuits in time for the campaign. Waking a few minutes earlier in the morning wasn’t that tough, now was it? And don’t think a middle-of-the-pack showing in South Carolina will do anything except get your name mentioned a little earlier in this Tuesday and Wednesday’s newscasts. You hosted SNL. Your mission is complete.
Braun, Gephart and Graham: thanks for taking a bullet for the betterment of the Democratic Party. Hopefully you are rewarded down the road for your unselfish actions.
