COME IN OUT OF THE RAIN, YOU BONEHEADS
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Well, another week, another intense hurricane. (Yes, Virginia, there is a greenhouse effect.) And with another killer storm comes another inevitable barrage of idiots masquerading on TV as reporters. We know they're fake because legitimate ones know to come in from the rain.
Altogether now: "Hurricanes… bad." We get it.
Hey, I don't care if the wind is blowing 1000 miles per hour and the only thing keeping you grounded is being trapped underneath Pamela Anderson's titties. Going on live TV from the middle of a hurricane is pointless and ya look stupid doing it.
Truth be told, there's a reason we are shown this crap. What was the catastrophic effects of Hurricane Katrina for many was also big ratings success for TV news operations. And what did they draw from that and previous weather phenomena coverage? Hurricanes and TV go together. So now they give us drenched reporters standing in front of windblown cameras and call it "news."
And ya gotta believe that somewhere, somehow, some freakin' research worms also conducted viewer research that backs up the notion that Johnny Softbrain enjoys seeing reporters in a downpour.
[In case you're wondering, yes, these are the same Johnny Softbrains that think it's a good idea to slow down during rush hour just to look at the pretty flashing lights and emergency vehicles. You don't even have to conduct research to figure that shit out. Same idiots, trust me. So it's not all that surprising to see their entertainment threshold is in line with watching people get smacked around in hurricanes.]
Accordingly, the networks translate those conclusions into revenue by doing stupid shit like sticking reporters in extreme weather for the sake of (what they think is) good TV. Two of this week's ratings pinballs were John Zarella and Anderson Cooper (pictured), a couple of otherwise reputable reporters. They were standing side-by-side during Hurricane Wilma Monday morning wearing matching CNN rain slickers in the same shade of red as the BREAKING NEWS banner we see ejaculated onto the screen with ever-increasing frequency these days.
On this broadcast, however, we were in for something new. Some news producer, probably an underpaid yokel desperate to impress the suits, came up with the bright idea that reporters out in the hurricane could chat directly with the in-studio weather dork.
And it worked out quite nicely, I must say. Zarella and Cooper were trying to chat with Joe Weather Guy as he's making Tourette's-like gestures in front of the big TV wall map. Meanwhile, Z&C, on the other side of the split-screen, stand and listen while Category 3 wind and rain bombard the holy shit out of them. They had to forcefully press their "IFBs" into their ears to try to hear Weather Guy above the roar of the wind and debris colliding with the structures around them. Great TV, guys.
One question: How bad can the storm be when news crews can broadcast live television from outside during the storm? That's somewhat of a contradiction.
I love it when, after standing out in the unsafe conditions for a while, the reporter points out that danger is now looming.
"Soledad, we're seeing a bit more debris blowing down the street than we have during the previous 36 hours I've been standing right here in this same goddam spot. It could be starting to get dangerous to be outside." Say, is that why they evacuated everyone?
Soledad then says what any chipmunk news desk jockey would and urges said reporter to take cover "before it gets too dangerous out there." Yeah, good idea, Aunt Bea. Better come inside, boys, before you get all wet and catch the sniffles. Or maybe some large projectile gets John-Elwayed through your wafer-thin skull.
It's amusing when the host expresses concern for the reporter and crew. "We don't want you doing anything that would risk your safety," they often say. You mean like standing out in the middle of a hurricane?
Actually, that's exactly what needs to happen to put a stop to this stupid shit. Someone like Anderson or Geraldo or Flavor-of-the-Month News Weenie gets fatally impaled live on camera.
Now, that's good TV.
