UNSUBSCRIBE ME
The CAN-SPAM act supposedly ensures that, among other
things, we can unsubscribe from any and every e-mail publication we receive. I
know this first-hand because I’ve been in the professional web world for almost
10 years now, and part of my duties involve sending e-mail “blasts.” It’s
mandated by federal law that each e-mail sent include an unsubscribe option.
And those that choose to do so must be scrubbed (techno-term) from the recipient
database.
Yeah, well, try telling that to CBS.com’s IT shitheads, whose
unsubscription system has failed me miserably, and who refuse to unsubscribe me
manually after I’ve e-mailed them countless times requesting same. Apparently, they’re
above the CAN-SPAM law.
About a year-and-a-half ago, I signed up for Late Show with
David Letterman’s “PANTS” eNewsletter. Yes, Dave is hilarious. Been watching him since his daytime show on NBC. But no, the “Late
Show” newsletter is not.
It didn’t take long to realize that the newsletter didn’t contain the funny I thought it would. It’s really just an extended e-mail plug for the show, with some lame attempts at show-related humor tossed in as an afterthought.
It’s also written poorly. (Memo to dim bulb newsletter writer:
there is no comma between someone’s description and their name, as in “Comedian,
Frank Caliendo.”) So for those reasons I rather quickly decided it wasn’t worth
the real estate it occupied in my e-mail inbox.
To which you reply, “Hey, doofus, just go to the CBS.com
e-mail preferences page and unsubscribe.” If only it was that easy. So far,
I’ve tried all of the following methods in an attempt to unsubscribe from the
“Late Show” newsletter, to absolutely no fucking avail whatsoever:
- unchecking the box next to the “PANTS” newsletter I'm
(supposedly) subscribed to on the CBS.com subscription preferences page linked
to at the bottom of the newsletter (as in screenshot above)
- going back to that preferences page many times and making
double-damn sure that box is unchecked (yes, it remains unchecked). In fact, there
are no boxes on that page that are checked as there are no CBS.com e-mail
publications I am interested in receiving, so there can't be any confusion
along those lines
- sending both polite and tersely-worded e-mails to the CBS.com
webmaster
- sending both polite and tersely-worded e-mails to the so-called
help e-mail address listed on the CBS.com web site
- sending both polite and tersely-worded e-mails to CBS
President Leslie Moonves himself
(You can pretty much guess what Moonves’ e-mail address is, not that Big Les is actually reading what’s sent there. He’s prolly got a battalion of minions performing that mundane task while he bangs the daylights outta recently acquired trophy wife Julie Chen, repressed host of the TV train wreck known as "Big Brother." Is there any greater job security in show biz than marrying the substantially older president of the company?
Oh, to be a fly on the wall on that first date:
“So, Jules… howdja like to make sure Big Brother gets picked up another season? Well, it’s easier than you think, baby.”
“Ooh, yeah, this is my pad alright. Down there’s Central Park, and over there… is my water bed, baby.”
“Down the hall, on the right, look for the jacuzzi. And while you’re in there, check out the bathrobe hanging on the back of the door. That's right — nothin’ less than Armani for the Moon-Man, baby.”)
I’ve also forwarded the “Late Show” newsletter to the
CAN-SPAM e-mail address, spam@uce.gov, on
numerous occasions. Yeah, like that’s gonna miraculously turn up some
assistance. Chances are greater that Dave himself would unsubscribe me than they are
for the government looking into the matter.
Ultimately, I've never received any return correspondence
from any of those attempts. Ever. No automated acknowledgements. Nothing.
And I STILL get those muddafuggin newsletters. Every.
Fuckin’. Week.
Suddenly, Dave, you ain’t that funny anymore.
"That's right — nothin' less than Armani for the Moon-Man, baby" = Classic!
Posted by: Jason Rohrblogger | 04/09/2008 at 20:35