OK, Dubya. Just as a sweet little ice-breaker, let’s start with all the shit you pulled over the last eight years that I’m never gonna do.
I won’t be starting any wars.
I’m not giving tax cuts to the wealthy.
I’m not blowing out the federal deficit by allowing the spending of $600 billion government dollars.
I’m not ignoring natural disasters when they strike our country.
I won’t be using my veto power to prevent potential life-saving scientific research.
I won’t allow torture and I won’t tolerate the indefinite imprisonment of anyone without bringing actual criminal charges.
I won’t allow illegal wiretaps.
I won’t be struttin’ around in front of any dumbass “Mission Accomplished” banners before the mission is actually accomplished.
I won’t be taking any 5-week vacations.
I won’t sit around and scratch my lazy ass when gas prices explode through the stratosphere.
I won’t be extending my middle finger in the direction of our international allies.
I won’t look the other way when seemingly every other home in suburban America gets foreclosed on.
And I won’t be choking on any salty snacks to the point of setting off Secret Service alarms.
By the way — all that shit I said about you when I was campaigning. I meant every last word of it. And if you so much as look at me wrong between now and January 20th, I’ll squash you like the insignificant bug you are when I take over this fucking mess you stuck us with.
Any questions, bitch?
