Is what
we see in the picture above, a muy largo stack of new phone books waiting
to be claimed, really necessary? No wait, lemme answer that.
Uh, no.
There is
no need for phone companies that crank out phone books — you remember those,
don’t you? — by the gazillion to drop off dozens of them in a conspicuous place
in hopes that the last few remaining Internet non-believers will grab one and
use it for its intended purpose.
In a
nutshell, this is a needless exercise in killing trees and abusing an environment
that deserves better. I realize the Dick-and-Dubya Duo contradicted that for
the past eight years, but it’s true. Are there that many people who can’t
figure out the Google-and-bookmark method? Cain’t be… can it?
The
Internet is here to stay, folks, rendering phone books completely obsolete. And
here’s proof in the form of a few entirely fictionally hypothetical situations:
- That large jar of change
you’ve been adding to as your flat-screen TV fund is finally full (despite
your housekeeper siphoning off all the quarters to spend on Bingo) and now
you’re ready to make that big plasma purchase. Do you seek out a phone
book so you can start calling around to see where the best deal can be
had? Uh, no. You figured out what a shopbot was back in ‘02.
- You admire Joaquin Phoenix’s current
career path, so you swear off your God-given talent, morph into a
Unabomber look-alike and spend a few months unemployed, shower-free and panhandling
from those who live near the local hip-hop recording studio. Do you let your
fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages of the last remaining
phone booth on Earth in search of a nearby food bank? Uh, no. Chances are
they have a web site, even though it’s likely most of their patrons don’t
have access to a computer.
- You and your friends have
decided to see a movie tonight. Do you get up off yer ass and start
looking for a phone book to see what’s playing and when? Uh, no. You’ve
heard enough of the Moviefone guy for one lifetime. You punch up the
Flickster app on your iPhone or iPod Touch.
- You’re tired of being
perpetually alone and decide you’re ready for some weekend companionship,
temporary and pricey as it may be (or so I’ve heard). Do you look in the phone
book under “Escort Services?” Uh, no. You log on to see what your good
friend Craig has Listed under Hook-Ups & Ho’s.
And so it
is for these reasons I say… take it easy on the earth’s tree population and
stop making those silly phone books. (Until that happens, just remember… they
do make great stands for your computer monitor. Or monitors.)
