[Part 2 of 2]
I bet if Jesus Christ himself agreed to a Today Show sit-down with Matt Lauer, he’d get the same shitty 4-questions-and-yer-outta-here-so-we-can-get-to-the-commercials treatment — unless he had just given birth to eight kids or done something else that put him on TMZ.com.
First of all, they’d have him shaking hands and autographing Bibles and framed angelic pictures of himself that fans thrust at him in the outdoor Today Show dog-and-pony corral so he could press the flesh with the cheering peeps in the moments leading up to the interview.
[Cue bumper music and very loud crowd…]
“There he is, none other than Jesus Christ, getting to know some of our fans here on the Today Show. And Matt will be speaking to him live in our 8 o’clock hour. Whaddya gonna ask him, Matt?”
“Well, ya know, Meredith, I’ve been looking forward to this interview all morning. I do have a few questions prepared, but looking across our spectacular state-of-the-art Today Show outdoor set, I may have to ask him where he got the hook-up on those sweet sandals. Whaddya think, Al, didja happen to bump into J-C at Nordstrom last week?”
“Are you kiddin, Matt? He’s the Son of God. I’m thinkin’ he’s got a shoe deal with Salvatore Ferragamo or something. You know my man Sal has got the sweet sandal selection.”
Then for the interview, they’d splash an “Exclusive” banner across the screen, ‘cause you know, Jesus is such a huge ‘get’ for a morning news show. No way he’d do Good Morning, America, right?
They they’d do something cutesy like put Jesus and Lauer on director’s chairs, again outside, just in front of the idiot sign-wavers screaming with every answer, like Jesus is part of some boy band reunion or something. Meanwhile, the crew unapologetically sets up the stage in the background for the upcoming performance by the latest castoff from American Idol.
Lauer: “So Jesus, is this your official second coming?”
J. Christ: “Yo, don’t call it a comeback.” Lauer and Jesus both laugh. “Oh, my. I love me some LL Cool J. All that old-school rap… it’s just the best, isn’t it?”
Lauer: “Jesus, The Star is reporting that you were seen leaving Madonna’s New York City apartment in the wee hours last week following her concert at Madison Square Garden. Any truth to that?”
J. Christ: “Matt, my publicist advised me to side-step that issue, but here on the Today Show, I don’t mind saying that, as you know, many men in the last couple of centuries have tried to emulate my look and style, as accurately cited in my Wikipedia entry. Major props to whoever posted that, by the way.
“So with that in mind, I can honestly say that it must be a case of mistaken identity. Everyone knows Madonna’s a skank and that J-to-tha-C doesn’t settle for sloppy seconds behind someone like A-Rod.”
Lauer foregoes the opportunity to press Jesus on the salacious rumor because, of course, the segment is winding down.
Lauer: “Jesus, in our few remaining seconds, I gotta ask you about…”
J. Christ: Interrupting… pissed… “I’m sorry, did you just say ‘our last remaining seconds?’ Are you for real, dude? Jesus H. Christ!
Lauer: “So it’s true! I always thought that was just a saying. Yet another exclusive here on…”
J. Christ: “I buy the new Armani suit, I’m rockin’ the new Ferragamo sandals, I blow a C-note on the pedicure deluxe, I wake up and come to your studio way before dark… And by the way, that driver of yours if freakin’ insane. I just about soiled my robe several times in Lower Manhattan.
“I sit in your goddam makeup chair… that’s right, I said it… and listen to your airhead makeup chick tell me how I need a makeover and how the beard and long hair is just sooooo 1978. Hey, I’m 2000 years old, bee-yotch, 1978 is pretty freakin’ modern to me. And now you’re givin’ me the early wrap, like I’m Jessica Simpson pluggin’ my new TV special or some shit? Dude, if I wasn’t Jesus Christ…”
Lauer (now facing the camera as Jesus continues to animatedly rant behind him): “Coming up in our next half-hour, spring fashion tips from Courtney Love… and later, power-washing your sphincter, for a clean and healthy you.
“But first… this is Today, on NBC.”
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