Hi, I’m Biff Blowdry with your up-to-the-minute Michael Jackson update, reporting live from the Taco Bell Michael Jackson Update Desk. Taco Bell… now featuring the Beat-It Burrito, just $1.99 at all participating Taco Bell locations...
Unnamed sources are now confirming that “Fuzzy,” Michael’s Jackson’s pet hamster, indeed did have several runnier-than-usual doodies in the days leading up to the death of his primary caregiver, former King of Pop Michael Jackson. This confirms the widely speculated notion that Fuzzy most likely sensed bad times were on the way for international pop star Michael Jackson.
However, the unnamed source refused to address numerous Internet-fueled rumors suggesting that Michael Jackson, King of Pop, was feuding with Fuzzy when Michael Jackson died and, thusly, ceased being Michael Jackson, King of Pop. Custody arrangements for Fuzzy are still up in the air as of the airing of this report.
Hundreds of Michael Jackson fans have gathered outside the Beverly Hills, California, Animal Control Center to pay tribute to the moody rodent that formerly belonged to the former King of Pop, the former Michael Jackson. A shrine of sawdust and empty Purina Hamster Chow bags has taken hold as well. “Free Fuzzy” t-shirts are said to be selling briskly outside the facility...
Michael Jackson’s brother, Tito Jackson, was spotted at a Jamba Juice location in West Hollywood, California, earlier today. You’re now looking at live video of that Jamba Juice franchise as seen from our Lenscrafters Eye in the Sky chopper-cam. For those of you unfamiliar, Jamba Juice is a company that specializes in fruit-flavored drinks, primarily smoothies, though its West Hollywood location is said to be frequently frequented by frequently flamboyant homosexuals.
Following the passing of his brother, former King of Pop Michael Jackson, Tito Jackson is now assumed to be the most emotionally sensitive of all the Jacksons and was allegedly enjoying a “Banana Butt Plug” smoothie, as first reported by celebrity journalism web site TMZ. A corporate spokesperson for Jamba Juice confirms that the Banana Butt Plug smoothie is exclusive to its West Hollywood location.
However, a publicist for Tito Jackson, brother of the late Michael Jackson, refused comment on the Banana Butt Plug situation, though they did mention that Tito Jackson will be headlining two nights of the Platte County Fair in Wheatland, Wyoming, in August of 2010, performing three shows nightly. Tickets are available through Ticketmaster.com and at all Platte County Ticketmaster outlets during daylight hours...
And lastly, Debbie Rowe, mother of Michael Jackson’s two oldest children and rumored to be the male half of the sham of a marriage to former pop star Michael Jackson, allegedly punched several paparazzi on the way out of a nail salon in Palmdale, California, this morning.
This is exclusive video of Debbie Rowe, former ex-wife of the former King of Pop, who was formerly Michael Jackson, relentlessly beating the daylights out of several photographers. Well, allegedly, anyway. I mean, yeah, it looks like she’s pounding the crap outta that one guy with her gigantic sunglasses, but our attorneys insist that we say "allegedly" nonetheless, just in case that’s a Debbie Rowe impersonator, in which case she’s probably the ex-wife of a Michael Jackson impersonator.
Anyway, Palmdale Police finally took down Debbie Rowe, ex-wife of Michael Jackson, after tasering her no less than two dozen times.
“I used to be a linebacker in high school, so it was just another quarterback sack for me.” [Graphic: Ron Jackson/Sergeant, Palmdale Police Department (no relation to former King of Pop Michael Jackson)]
Sergeant Jackson, apparently unrelated to King of Pop Michael Jackson, actually needed the assistance of five other officers to subdue ex-wife Rowe, but only he was officially credited with the tackle by the Elias Sports Bureau. Sergeant Jackson, we are told, now has talent representation and is currently in negotiations with Spike TV for his own reality show.
Debbie Rowe, ex-wife of Michael Jackson and the mother of Michael Jackson’s two oldest children, was cited for disorderly conduct and extremely bad fashion sense. I mean, c'mon, who ya kiddin'? You really think those overshirts are gonna hide that buffalo butt? Seriously, now. Get yourself a good lawyer and a gym membership, girrrrrl...
This has been your up-to-the-minute Michael Jackson update, live from the Taco Bell Michael Jackson Update Desk. Taco Bell… now featuring the Glitter Glove Gordita, just $1.99 at all participating Taco Bell locations...
We're coming right back with whatever other Michael Jackson crap we can dredge up out of the news gutter, right after these messages.
