BP CLAIMS AVOIDANCE PSA
Script Final Draft
- Medium shot: Ian with BP hard hat and ‘Hell No!’ sign
IAN: People of the Gulf! Listen to me, you Southern simpletons!
- Various shots of Gulf Coast business exteriors; they are run down and all have ‘closed’ signs in the daylight
IAN: Your life will not stop sucking. Not for a long time. Not if it costs BP money. Or pride. Oh, hell no.
- Dissolve back to medium shot of Ian broadly smiling;
- Add name/title bar: Ian Milquetoast /Claims Avoidance Specialist
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian Milquetoast. I run the Claims Avoidance Department for British Petroleum. I know a lot of you used to make a decent living off the Gulf Coast economy before our little… [pouts, sniffs mockingly]… ‘accident.’
- Shots of wildlife covered in oil, then…
- Shots of human Gulf residents similarly covered in oil
- Cut to interior shots of same people being hand-scrubbed by professional wildlife handlers
IAN: But now that the Coast has been deluged with BP goo, you’re probably seeing BP as your ticket to Easy Street. Oh, hell no.
- Close-up of Ian with large phony smile
IAN: Not so fast, Boudreaux. Think BP didn’t learn anything from the Exxon Valdez debacle? We got news for you Yanks.
- Cut to shots of dozens of male Caucasian lawyers in 3-piece business suits surfing ashore on surfboard-shaped briefcases; they arrive completely dry and unruffled, folding up their briefcase surfboards into the usual briefcase size and shape
IAN: We have battalions of Claims Avoidance Specialists just like me…
- Cut to interior shots of phone banks featuring the same lawyers all chattering intensely and simultaneously on the phone
IAN: …heartless, soulless, dentally-challenged limeys… standing by to take your calls and, ultimately, either fully deny or substantially downsize whatever monetary claim you wanna throw at us.
- Two lawyers hang up their phones simultaneously and turn to high-five one another
IAN: Our CAS’s are professionally trained veterans of the insurance industry — and they know every claim-denial tactic there is. That includes stalling…
- Close-up of phone as a line is put on hold and blinks
- Cut to medium shot of lawyer casually reading a magazine called ‘Yachts Illustrated’ with several blinking phones lines nearby
IAN: …mockery…
- Medium shot of lawyer on the phone, laughing heartily
- Cut to unshaven and frustrated graying middle-aged man also on the phone wearing a ball cap that says ‘Bellefontaine’s Oyster Harvesting,’ shaking his head in disbelief
IAN: …and, of course, paperwork inundation.
- Wide shot of business interior with huge amounts of paper sheets falling from the ceiling; mounds of paper have already accumulated on office desks;
- Sparks fly from a buzzing and irregularly blinking sign on the wall reading ‘Bellefontaine’s Oyster Harvesting’
- Abrupt cut back to Ian with a mock sincere expression on his face
IAN: Lemme ask you something, Gulfies… [close-up Ian’s face] have you considered declaring bankruptcy?
- Cut to exterior of Bellefontaine’s as electric company worker turns off power to an office building; cut to office interior as lights go out in the office;
- Then to a close-up of the office aquarium as a brown liquid trickles into the tank and several small dead fish float on the surface; suddenly, the light goes out in the tank as well
IAN: How about relocating to California? They have a coast, too, ya know. [Extreme close-up of Ian’s face] You like avocados, don’t you? [Chuckles] Heh, heh, heh.
- Cut to same ‘Bellefontaine’s’ owner, slumped in a deck chair on his now run-down oyster boat, which is rocking slowly as it’s tied to a pier;
IAN: Give it up, Boudreaux. We’re the fourth-largest company on the planet. You ain't gonna win. Oh, hell no.
- Wide shot of phone bank room with numerous celebrating lawyers tearing up claims paperwork while blinking neon sign on the wall repeatedly flashes ‘Bonus!’
IAN: Our Specialists have been provided with very attractive incentives that will prevent them from giving in to even your smallest claims, however legitimate they may be.
- Lawyer is shown drawing a big red X through claims paperwork on his disk;
- Another lawyer folds a claim into a paper airplane and flies it across the room; it lands on what appears to be a strip club-type stage, complete with pole; stripper girl removes more articles of clothing as more claims are denied; Specialists cheer
- Back to original medium shot of Ian
IAN: Don’t believe me, Boudreaux? Go ahead. Put the checkers game on hold and give us a call at 1-800-HELLNO-2. We’re standing by right now to deny any and all claims.
- Close-up of Ian with large phony smile
IAN: BP. Not just no, but hell no.
